2020 Letter

      Hasn’t 2020 been some year?!

     It started out normally.

     I like to observe Family Day on January 25. This year, the Hinds kids were in performances on the 25th, so we got together on the 11th when we played Escape the Crate games. Sort of like an Escape Room only in a box. It is a lot cheaper and you can play anywhere as long as you have an internet connection. (Also, the game can be passed on to be played by another group.). I thought it was a lot of fun and enjoyed seeing my children’s brilliant minds at work.

     Despite the family game day, the Hinds performances, and a time or two babysitting,  I sadly typically did not spend much time with my family, especially, my grandchildren. We tend to take life for granted and be too busy for some of the most important things.  David & Teresa are pretty much on the same Sunday schedule and live close by, so we frequently had Sunday dinner together before Covid.  But I did not see my other married children as often.  We all were busy with our own obligations and concerns.  I took it for granted that we could have time together anytime, we just had to schedule. 

     And then Covid hit.  Suddenly we were practicing social isolation and could not get together with family. Not being able to get together feels a lot different from being busy and not managing it right now.   It was sad, but we did not expect it to last long.  Everyone was going through the same thing with some people being more cautious and careful than others.  I was moderately careful.  As the months have gone on, the threat seems to have grown, and Miriam’s health became of greater concern, I have tried to be more careful.  And felt the restraints more  - like so many other people.

     In March we stopped meeting in person at church.  First we did home church which for the most part I enjoyed.   I have housemates who are not morning people so we had home church at 11 instead of 9. (and sometimes later)  Just like when we attend, some meetings were very inspirational and some less so.  I did get tired of being responsible for our meetings and gained a better appreciation for our Bishopric, but at least there are 3 of them and they take turns being responsible. Eventually the ward started doing meetings on Zoom, so  we are now back to our assigned time for 2020 at 9am and I am not in charge any more (whew!), but I will confess that not everyone is always dressed for church when we attend via Zoom.

I am grateful that we have so many resources to help us study the gospel in addition to the scriptures.  Whether we meet in person, study individually, do home church, or meet via the internet, I am grateful for the restored gospel of Jesus Christ.  I am grateful Christ was able and willing to be our Savior and Redeemer.  I marvel to think of His great love and atoning sacrifice.  When I think of what He suffered for me, personally, I am moved to tears and want to live to cause Him as little pain as possible and repay Him by trying to become more the person He wants me to be.

        After what seemed like a very long time, but I suppose really wasn’t, I cracked and asked my son in law, Tom, to be project manager to fix my kitchen.  Which really meant he did it.  We were mostly careful about being covid cautious and he definitely stayed away from Miriam who stays in her room mostly, anyway.  A couple of the kids helped him from time to time and Ruth peeked in a couple of times, but we mostly kept a distance. No hugs.  :(  The project started with the floor.  Ten years ago or so the  rotten cabinet around the sink and worn out linoleum were replaced.  I thought it would last the rest of my life and more, but we had trouble with the floor from the beginning and the cabinets were cheap.  The work had been done by volunteers. The job leader, who actually was a professional contractor, did not respond when I told him about the problems with the floor.   So things just got worse until the floor was dangerous as well as inconvenient.  Tom and the kids took out the bad tile long before covid, so it was safer, but we were walking on some chalk-like under-floor for ages.  Life got busy and it sat. After a long time saving and a fortunate windfall, I was finally able to get started.  Replacing the floor  somehow evolved into also replacing the cabinets.  All new strong, lovely cabinets and a beautiful floor (vinyl that looks like wood) which I think actually will last my life time.  Tom is a thoughtful, careful worker.  Tom and Ruth gave me their old “built in” dishwasher and their old microwave.  It is exciting. My kitchen is beautiful, comfortable, and workable.  Makes me happy every day.

      The last couple of months have been very challenging.  Miriam’s health stabilized enough so that she could have surgery on her right foot.  The arthritis aspects of her lupus have made her hands and feet very deformed.  Is painful for her to stand or walk even briefly.  The surgery was to make her foot more normal so that eventually she can stand on it without pain or at least considerably less.  We shall see.  The recovery has been longer and more painful than I expected, but her foot is healing.  We are a long way yet from her thinking about whether it is worth going through again for her left foot.  

         Around my birthday, we got Kira, a street rescue, full of milk, having lost her puppies and her home, a stranger in a strange place.  When I saw her picture on NextDoor, she reminded me of our dog Cindy who we had when the kids were growing up and my heart went out to her.  We took her home and found out that she is not at all like Cindy, who was a very easy dog to live with.  Kira is my first experience with a husky type dog. She is at the same time both extremely needy and independently minded.  With someone who can give her the time, training, and exercise she needs, Kira could be a great dog.  Unfortunately, this is not a good time in my life for that so it is not an ideal match for her or for me. I am trying to find a good match for her.  If not, we will just muddle on. 

      Like probably most people what I miss the most is being able to see my children and grandchildren.  I have a grandson who was born right after Thanksgiving 2019 and is walking.  I have only held him two or three times since the shut down.  (and there are some who would say I should not have done that)  My family has learned to enjoy some on-line get togethers and games which  I hope we keep up even after we are able to get together.  

       2020 has been a time to think about what really matters to us.  I am grateful to know that I am a child of God and that Christ is my Savior.   I am grateful to be an American citizen.  I have a wonderful family.  I sometimes feel stressed and distressed, but all my problems are first world problems, for which I am grateful. 

       I am also thankful for my good friends.  You are a light in my life, a source of encouragement, inspiration, and laughter. 

 

I wish you love, peace, and joy 

Barbara Robarts                                                                    

sugar crash

Something new and different this evening.

Today is Fast Sunday.  I have a rather poor history of fasting.  I had many years when I was pregnant or nursing and did not fast.  Later I developed diabetes and usually did not fast.  When one would have otherwise fasted, I merely ate more simply and perhaps less.  I avoided eating treats and foods that would smell and bother those who were fasting.  I sometimes felt a little guilty as partly I used actual health concerns as an excuse not to sacrifice and practice spirit over body.  Additionally, one occasionally hears of the health benefits of fasting as a dieting live style.

Today, partly as an exercise of self control and to help with blood sugar levels and weight, I decided to fast more completely.  I admit I was less spiritually involved as a fast should be. It went well.  I skipped breakfast, only took my morning medicines with a glass of milk.  I didn't eat until when around 2 or so I began to feel low blood sugar warnings, tested at 71 and ate lightly.  I thought things had gone quite well.

Dinner was early - around 4:30.  Pot roast, barley, carrots, and broccoli. My blood sugar was 94 and I was happy with that.  I was a little worried that I might over indulge and take it up too high at dinner, but not too worried.  I did my pre-dinner insulin and medication, enjoyed dinner - lots of roast, decent amount of vegetables, moderate amount of barley.  I relaxed watching TV. 

And then I crashed.  I may have dozed as I did not feel early warning symptoms.  I started feeling way more than low sugar warnings, I definitely felt off, dizzy (although sitting), vision slightly off, anxious, weak, unsteady.  I wanted to go to my room to test but was a bit afraid.  I had trouble getting there.  In the movies sometimes you see  where everything is out of focus, tilted, maybe spinning, sound and vision are not right.  I thought that was artistic expression or something, but tonight I found out that it is real.  I barely made it to my room.  Tested at 41.  Scary.  I  took a glucose pill and some chocolate.  Tested at 56.  Still concerned and confused.  I went out of my room, not sure what I wanted, having a little trouble walking and navigating.  Joseph asked if I was ok and I told him that I was not sure.  Perceptive, he asked if it was low blood sugar and I affirmed.  I sat down and he brought me milk.  I knew that I was beginning to recover and told him so, but it was still worrisome.  Even Miriam, coming out , probably to ask for help getting her something to eat, became concerned and wanted to help me.  They were wondering when / whether to call for professional help.  I wanted to climb out of it, but was also afraid of over correcting.  Joseph sat with me back in my room for a bit watching to make sure I did  not pass out.  They did not want me to lay down and go to sleep.  I felt like it, but also wondered if it were safe.  I went back to the family room and Joseph set up for me to watch Heartland, then helped Miriam.

After an episode of Heartland, I felt pretty much normal.  We had family prayer and scripture.  I returned to my room.  Bedtime. I had slightly over corrected and my blood sugar is 196, but that is not so frightening.  High blood sugar is long term dangerous - wearing down the body like grit in motor oil, but low blood sugar can be immediately dangerous.  I feel normal inside now.

While I was crashing, staggering through the house, or sitting in the front room drinking my milk, I looked around my out of focus, but clearly chaotic and messy house - partly because of the kitchen project and partly because my homemaking/organizing skills are seriously lacking, and kept thinking "I cannot leave this mess.  I cannot leave them with this mess."  Obviously something I need to work on.

Take aways. Besides, that I need to seriously up my domestic game.

 I probably won't fast, or more likely, depending on how i feel, possibly fast one meal and eat lightly the next.  But no full or lengthy fast.  Even this one had been short - nothing close to 24 hours or two complete meals, while some people do three.  My "normal" meals should, no doubt, be lighter than they usually are.   I should eat more lightly and maybe more often or regularly all the time.

Bigger take away.  (Andrew was outside doing dishes (no kitchen sink because of the ongoing kitchen project)  so he missed most of this.  Which slightly distressed him when he found out.)  I was touched by the love and support from Joseph and Miriam, especially Joseph.  Miriam, who is usually the one that people help, and Joseph, who I am often sure does not quite like me, were concerned, caring, helpful and supportive. They really wanted me to be ok and definitely did not want something to be or become seriously wrong.   Being good people, I know that they would show the same concern and helpfulness to a stranger in trouble or even someone they really didn't like, but still I felt an element of love in their compassion.  Joseph was very nurturing.  That is a part of his nature which is why animals and children love him so, but to have it directed at me was special.

the many good things

In "The Vow" a young woman confronts her mother and demands to know why mother didn't leave father when she found out that he had cheated on her and betrayed their marriage. Mother said that she considered it and was about to leave her husband when she thought of her children, her home, and all the things she loved about the life they built together . She decided to forgive her husband and think about the many good things he had done and forget the one bad thing he did.

That would not be the right answer in every situation, I think this husband confessed, apologized, and changed, but what a great attitude - one we might do well to develop in our dealings with the less than perfect people in our lives.

Then I thought about our Redeemer, Jesus Christ, who paid the price for the many bad things we have done, forgives us when we repent, and gives us the chance to change and become better. How grateful I am for His love, compassion, and atoning sacrifice. How grateful I am that He gives us chance after chance to repent and to do good things.

What is a gentleman?

In the book “What Katy Did at School,”  Katy’s sister Clover tells their beleaguered cousin  that being a gentleman is not about how you hold your cup or wear your hat, but about being a gentle man -kind to everyone whether they are rich or poor, being honest,and good.   

On “In the Heat of the Night” a young black man tells the police chief (who just corrected his grammar) that the chief cannot make the young man into a Southern gentleman because he is not white.  The chief says being a gentleman is not about whiteness; being a gentleman is about correctness.  

What do you think it means to be a gentleman ?

Cap reminds me of Scott

While donating platelets yesterday I watched "Captain Phillips".

Captain Phillips as portrayed by Tom Hanks or Tom Hanks as Captain Phillips, I am not sure which, kept reminding me of my last good boss, Scott Hart.

Patch Work - Kitchen Project Restart

 About 10 years ago we fixed up my kitchen - replaced my worn to the subfloor floor and rotted through sink cabinet.  Men from the church donated the work and I bought the materials.  Unfortunately, despite the work being led by a professional contractor, something went seriously wrong with the floor. After carefully following instructions on seasoning(or whatever you call it) the tiles and grout, as soon as we started using the floor we had problems.  Grout came up with every sweeping.  Tiles came loose, broke and cracked.  When I told the job boss, he didn't say "I'll look at it."  or tell us what to do, he simply said, "Not the part I did."  Which was not true.  In short order the floor  became dangerous.  and so it has been increasingly since.  I have been leery of hiring someone to fix it, partly because of cost and even more because the fellow who failed me was both a church member and a professional.  Before I realized how badly that job was done, I also hired him to roof my house and put up gutters. He changed things that we had agreed upon without consulting me or even informing me.  I found out when I saw it.  The gutters were not done correctly, either.  So, far at least, the roof has not leaked.  Of course the first few years after he did the roof we were in a drought, so i worried for a long, long time.

A couple years (?) ago, my son-in-law, Thomas,  and his full time employer parted company - foolish employer, I say.  He started trying to build up his DJ business and also became a Notary Public.  Tom is a man I trust and suddenly he was more master of his time.  I asked him to head up my home work and offered to pay him what I think are good handyman wages.  This was agreeable to him, but between one thing and another  (including successful work as Notary Public - the good news - and the pandemic- not so good) the work has gone very slowly.  Mostly the dangerous floor tile was taken up and we walked around on the under flooring, but at least it didn't try to trip us.  Tom came up with plans to replace all my cabinetry - not just that which we replaced 10 years ago which also had problems, one of which was partly my fault.  (I got my double size sink - which I love! - but did not insist on under mount.  What did I know? Being mounted on top of the counter meant that when you wipe the counter, the wipe-ee had to go over the mound of the sink to go down in it.  NOT good. )(Even worse, during deconstruction, Tom discovered that the sink - counter connection had never been sealed.  When we wiped moisture towards the sink much of it went down under the sink into the counter.)  Tom and a cabinet maker friend worked out the plans.  The cabinet maker made the pieces and Tom worked on putting most of them together in his garage between notary public gigs.

Finally each of us independently decided that enough is enough, the work must go on.  He decided to take a break from his flourishing notary public work to help me.  Sweet guy.   We talked and decided to face the (rather low) risk of exposing each other (and by extension our households) and get back to work on site.

I was nearly paralyzed at the thought of completely clearing out my kitchen preparatory to the job.  Blessings on her, Teresa came over and master minded most of that.  David and the guys moved the major appliances  to the dining room and   cupboards into boxes, bins, shelves, and table tops all over the house.  Instead of the kitchen sink, we use the bathroom sink and the backyard hose.  One thinks twice before dirtying a dish or pot!

With the help of Jared, Esther, and Ruth,  and Andrew, Tom cleaned up the floor down to the subfloor and took out all the cabinets.

As Melissa said,"What kitchen?  I don't see a kitchen."
But Tom looks pleased with his accomplishments.

They fixed cracks and painted.  He did some re-wiring. 

Ruth, Jared, and Andrew after a long day of work on June 20, day 2, while Tom finishes up something.

Monday, June 22 - putting together big cabinets.

Leaving their mark behind the cabinets.

Being an old lady, I mostly stay out of the way and admire their skill and industry.

Thinking of you

Thinking about someday seeing Jesus Christ, I imagined thanking Him for His Atoning Sacrifice and being sorry for all the pain that He suffered, especially what He suffered because of me. I asked Him how could He bear all that pain.

He said, "I was thinking of you."


We have been taught that Christ suffered the pains, sins, disappointments, illnesses, struggles, sorrows of all of us, of each of us, that He might pay the price of our sins and be able to succor us in our troubles.  I believe He that He suffered it all not, or not only,  as some huge faceless mass of pain, but with each us in His heart and thoughts, seeing each of us , our faces, our lives in the eyes of His mind.  Individually and personally.

Disney Dazed

I have "always" wanted to go on a Disney Cruise to Alaska.   A few years ago, I went on my first cruise and, so far only, Disney cruise with Sariah, Aurora, and Mary Jane - a 3 day Cruise to Nowhere out of San Diego.  Loved it. 

A year or two ago, I passed up the opportunity to go on an Disney Alaskan Cruise with Sariah's family.  Ryan's mom and stepfather went  and LOVED it. 

A number of things make it hard to decide.  One, of course, is expense.  Disney Cruises are way expensive, more than most.  However, I have yet to find a person who will say it is not worth the extra cost.  And I have asked.

Also, my home needs work.  The kitchen project was already moving much more slowly and had become more involved than I had anticipated, but the the cornona virus thing came up and work has stopped completely.  Once the kitchen is done, there is major work that must be done in the family room (a rotten wall, no kidding).  and minor work throughout.  Time and money. It would help if I could do any of the work, but I don't think I can and my guys, wonderful though they are in many ways, are not much help there, either.

Another concern is being away from home.  We had one year when Miriam was in the emergency room and hospitalized at least 4 times.  Internal bleeding.  Because of her Lupus, Miriam has been on powerhouse drugs for decades.  Prednisone, while saving her life, has also made her body tissues more fragile.  The problem is largely addressed now with some medication and  being very careful what she eats, nothing acidic or that would scrape her insides. She has been doing well since.

Miriam and I are in a race to see who will die first.  (We are not trying very hard to win, nor are we urging the other on!)  She because of her Lupus and I because I am getting old.  I am about the age when my mother and grandmother died.  If I wait to see if I outlast Miriam, I may not ever get to go or do anything. Either because I go first or because I am too decrepit by then. And, as I say, I have no desire to push her off. She is somewhat disabled, but she is still very much alive.  She is not afraid to die, but she is in no hurry either. And what would our Relief Society (church women's organization) do without her informative and helpful Facebook posts, weekly emails, and other updates?!

Some months ago, I finally decided to book a cruise.  Sariah and I are sailing in September 2021- 7 days. Mary Jane and Sam MIGHT go with us, although it is looking unlikely.  or David and Teresa (I could hope!)  I will turn 70 on the cruise.  It seems like a long way away, but also I realize it will be over all too soon.  I won't say I think about it ALL the time, but I do think about it a lot.  Sometimes worrying about preparing - what clothes and shoes? - and what about the home front - but mostly enjoying the anticipation. 

Here is an email I did not send to Sariah

Written in October 2019-

Sariah, I am so Disney dazed.  I already have some Fish Extender Gifts.  One tote per cabin.  Trying to decide if I will want to get a tote per person.  These are just over a dollar each from Oriental Trading Company.  So that adds up fast, but I like them.  Also a polar bear ornament and a deer or moose ornament for each cabin. 

Teresa asked me what I am going to do for my fish extender receiver.  I told her I have no idea yet.  But I want to wait until we have some idea of who is going, who is participating, and what cabins we have.  It's the gifts I am worried about.  I feel like I have a good start. I want to do things I would like getting.  And a couple of ideas - how to play shuffleboard  (LOL) and scavenger hunt.  After that, I probably want to wait until I have the group list - so that will be a while since we haven't even committed, let alone booked.  

David has not said no yet.  Teresa has even given him some idea of the cost.  Left to himself, I don't think he would spend that kind of money, but he loves her and she really wants to go and is presenting it as a great 15 anniversary celebration.  I think he will go for it.  Probably not Fish Extender, though.  LOL.  Although I can see her enjoying that.   On a small scale.

June again

Samantha and her partner are looking to buy a house and so are trying to save money.  Mary Jane was just diagnosed with a (treatable) brain tumor and her husband Matthew who does not want to do another Disney cruise to Alaska (she would have come alone)  would like to travel somewhere else together.  So, while they have not said No, I think they are out.   David and Teresa are still undecided.  Well, David is still unconvinced, I think.  It might be just Sariah and I.  Which makes our cabin more expensive each, but I am going!  

We even booked a veranda room!  When Sariah and family sailed before, they had a veranda and loved it.  And got to see the Northern Lights from their veranda which they would have missed otherwise.  Of course, there is absolutely no guarantee of us seeing the lights at all, but still.  Sometimes I think I should have gone for the much less expensive inside cabin.  Some people say why pay more when you will only sleep and dress in your cabin.  If I can manage to sail again (as already I am hoping to in 2022), I might try an inside cabin.  That would be all I could manage if I go alone, anyway.  Some cruisers are very happy with inside cabins.  Others say the veranda is the only way.  I just want to go.  and maybe go again. This time I decided to go for broke and do the most/best I can afford on what might be my only chance. 

I have more fish extender gifts now.  Even though they are small and inexpensive individually, it would be appalling if I had gotten them all at once.  I must stop.  I don't even know who they will be for yet.  It is more fun to think about Fish Extender gifts than what to wear.  Layers.  I should be able to manage layers without additional expense. I have a rain suit.  I think a rain jacket and sweatshirt should be good.  Maybe two sweatshirts if it is really cold.  I am a little concerned about shoes.  Sandals, crocs, and canvas shoes do not seem suitable. I do have one pair of winter boots that might be good for excursions, but certainly not for wearing all the time! Maybe the crocs and canvas shoes will be enough on board.  I don't like buying shoes and don't know what to get.  Fortunately, I have time. 

I should learn to anticipate and work towards heaven as much as I do a Disney cruise!  I do hear that heaven is better than Disneyland, Disney World, or a Disney Cruise. 

plenty to eat

     Carol is my "cousin."  Actually, she is my ex-cousin-in-law.  But one does not  break off all related affiliations when one gets divorced.  She is also a member of the same ward (congregation of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints).  And lives right around the block. Also, a nice person.

So naturally, when she had surgery, I was interested in helping with meals when she got home. We have a compassionate service coordinator who helps make sure that people who need meals get one on the days they need them.   When we got word that Carol was home and we were bringing in dinners, I emailed that I would take her dinner Friday. So did Michelle. There was no sign up sheet. So I told Miriam (my daughter, assistant RS secretary and often help to the coordinator who can't do online sign up sheets) to let Michelle go ahead and put me on Sunday. Then Lorretta called me and said that she was doing Sunday. I THOUGHT I emailed Miriam to put me on Saturday - which wasn't really convenient, but ... - later Miriam told me Holly signed up for Saturday. I knew Teresa had Monday, the last day of sign-ups.   I tried to call Carol a couple times without success. so Tuesday afternoon I went over to her house and told her I would bring her dinner. Later I went back with the dinner to find Loretta there who had just brought dinner!

fudge!

    June 2 is"Yell Fudge at Cobras Day".

You see Cobras hate fudge.  It makes them gag.  Now, you may say there are no cobras native to North America.  You are right.  Do you know why?  Every June 2, brave, dedicated Americans go outside at noon, face south, and yell "Fudge!"  This frightens any cobras who might be considering immigrating. 
 
Another way to discourage the cobras is to make fudge as they will smell it and stay away.

So yesterday, June 2, I made some easy fudge (possibly for the first time in my life?) and took a few pieces to the homes of each of my locally residing children.  Then I texted them to inform them that I had left a little cobra protection on their porch. 

Left it in time for them to yell, too. 

No cobras here.