Thursday, January 22, 2009


Sometimes I mistype and type motherof9. My last little one that didn't make it doesn't want to be forgotten.

I was still in very early pregnancy when I lost him/her (a painful term that insuates that Mom messed up somehow).

My marriage was in trouble - had been for many years, decades even, but I was beginning to really understand that it wasn't just a phase or a difficult period that we were going to work through, that there really was not much hope, so Baby didn't get a second chance. Here. Hopefully went to a good family with an intact marriage.

Oh, Baby, moms don't forget, even if they want to. Even if they do already have 8 children.

I hope you are in a good place.


  1. Unfortunately, I had to talk with a friend a couple of weeks ago as she was experiencing her first miscarriage. It had been about 3 weeks since she found out she was losing the baby and she was understandably still heartbroken and kept apologizing to me for crying. She said, "You'd think after 3 weeks I'd be over it." I told her you never get over it. I told her about my experiences and that it has been years, but I still cry sometimes. It's a loss - a real loss. You never, ever forget. And unless you've been there, you can never fully understand.

    It's funny, I've never thought of saying "I lost the baby" as meaning I did something to lose it, but that the loss happened to me. Don't let yourself think it implies that you did anything wrong. You lost a baby, just like a few years ago, you lost your mom. You didn't do anything to make your mom die, she was sick and she passed on. It doesn't take away the pain but don't allow any part of yourself to accept blame for something truly beyond your control. (And because I know you're thinking it, pushing a wheelbarrow isn't enough to make a difference. It would have happened anyway. This really was something you didn't control in anyway.) Like I said, it doesn't take away the pain, but it brings peace to understand that the Lord is the one in control and He doesn't make mistakes. Even when some of the things He does or allows makes our heart ache, there is a purpose.


  2. I was thinking some of the same things Sariah said, but she said it better, since she understands.

  3. We miscarried the first three pregnancies...

    Being more "practical" - I felt this was nature's way... But I later found out just how upsetting it was to my wife. I was (unfortunatly) not as emotional about as she was.

    For many years afterwards, the Mother of Five would get little notes sent to her from her "three little guardian angels".